The greatest human fear is the unknown. And foster care holds so many unknowns – for the parent, the caregiver, and most of all the child(ren). The most effective way to minimize the trauma of family separation and produce positive outcomes for children is for parents and caregivers to establish a good working relationship as soon as possible after a child is placed.

Bear Hug Bernice: Creating Healing Relationships

“It’s a feeling I’d never wish on anyone, watching a social worker drive away with your terrified children in the backseat. You replay in your head every news story you have ever heard about mistreatment in foster care. Meanwhile, you imagine the foster parents looking down on you as a horrible person for allowing this to happen.

Three days after my girls entered foster care, I sat in a cold gray room with my case worker, waiting to meet the couple that had them. I hung my head, too scared, ashamed, and heart-sick to face their judgment. Then in walked a woman who immediately came toward me with arms outstretched. Before I could react, she had me in a bear hug, rocking side to side. I still can’t explain it, but I felt myself leaning in. Then I began sobbing for what felt like forever. Oddly, I had never felt so safe as I did in that moment. I knew my children would be safe and well cared for. When I finally let go of her, she took a step back, smiled at me, and said, ‘Hi. We’re so happy to meet you! Let’s talk about getting your kids home. Need a tissue?’

My girls were in Bernice and Doug’s care for about a year, while I worked my case plan. We spoke daily and met weekly. They invited me to every doctor’s appointment, therapy appointment, parent-teacher conference … every special event. Bernice even planned a ‘salon day’ for just the two of us. Most importantly, she taught me things my own mother never did, like how to appropriately respond to my girls’ needs. Just knowing Bernice and Doug were rooting for me to succeed inspired me to do better. Their encouragement helped me accomplish things I never imagined possible, like feeling good about myself and enrolling in trade school for welding.

My girls have been home for two years now. They still go fishing with ‘Grandpa Doug’ every chance they get. Bernice and I talk almost daily. They’re the first people we call when someone makes honor roll or has a dance recital. When people ask what the ‘secret’ is to such a great relationship, I tell them it’s no secret at all. It can all start with something as simple as kindness – like a big bear hug from Bernice.

Tips for a Great Shared-Parenting Relationship

• Communicate early and often. Connect as soon as possible after placement.
• Establish a shared goal of working together to get the children safely returned home.
• Recognize and encourage all progress toward reunification.
• Offer empathy, understanding, and compassion.
• Set aside preconceived ideas, judgment, or biases.
• Allow for mistakes and setbacks without shutting down support.

 

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Author: Wisconsin Family Connections Center
Additional Author: Coalition for Children, Youth & Families